1 Month and 28 Days

       It's scary how much things can change in just a short amount of time. You're gone for two months and all of a sudden there's betrayal, and stupidity, and you're no longer close to the people you love. Which just proves that no matter how hard you try, these relationships will never be the same again. But what's even worse than that, is knowing that staying most likely would have stopped those changes. "It's not your fault that people change and do stupid things." But what if it is? What if I could have stopped the downhill spiral of someones life, but I wasn't there to do that.
     
      I feel like I'm dying right now just listening to how terrible some people have become. They know who they are. It kills me to hear how you think you're so fucking bad ass because you tell people to fuck off, and you break the rules and do what you want. Why the hell would you want to be that person?! If you were good, talented, smart, and loved by nearly fucking everyone, why would you change? I understand that you're sick of being the "good Catholic" one, but that doesn't mean you have to become the dumb ass who hurts people who love you. I cry just hearing about how far gone you are. I'm scared for you.
   
      Honestly, I'd love to be dead right now. All I feel is pain, depression, and anger anymore. Melodramatic much? Yes, but it's true. The reason I care so much about my friends and our relationship and how they're feeling,  and why I'm affected so much by that, is because friendship is all that I feel I have. I have this super special  ability where I can lose friends in the blink of an eye. It comes into play every year or two, and it sucks. I feel like there's something wrong with me. And as much as I like spending time alone, my biggest fear and insecurity is that I'll be permanently alone one day. I'm terrified that everyone will change but me, and I won't have anyone. The sad thing is, it's already begun.

Home Is Where Your Heart Is

I've been in Maryland for 2 and a half weeks, and at NDP for just one, so it's probably too soon to say I won't be happy here. Yet, I know in my heart that I won't be. Everyone here has been so nice, I think I have a few friends already, but that's not what I want. It's not that I just miss my friends a lot, I also miss Catholic and my teachers, and how comfortable I was in Kentucky. I can tell that I won't be happy here; I don't think that I can let myself be happy, not while I feel that I could go back. I've been trying to convince my parents to let me go back, and I thought it was working, but I doubt that it will. No matter what I say, they're against me leaving. I don't think that they understand how much it hurts to be away from home. It took me years to even consider calling Kentucky my home, but I know that that's what it is. I've left the greatest friends I've ever had (and I've had a lot, and lost a lot), and I don't want to lose them too, but I feel like it's inevitable. Catholic is my home right now; it has my friends, my family, and my theater; it's the one place where I'm truly comfortable and content; it's the place that I miss most. It's where my heart is, and it's where I want to be right now.

Bitch of Living

It's been a while, nearly a year now. So much has changed since then; some of them are good, yet a lot of them are bad. However, one thing has not yet changed, nor do I think that it will. What's funny is that I constantly forget about this one thought, this little nagging in my brain, but it resurfaces nearly every day. How can someone be so insecure that they believe that their own friends don't even like them? This mindset hurts like a bitch, because I don't feel like I have anyone to share what's killing me. My friends have their own problems, and I think that they're worse than mine, so I don't want to burden them with my problems. I need someone to talk to, though. I don't want the sickly sweet sympathy from my boyfriend because it makes me ill. I can't tell my parents because then they'd think it was their fault, and they have enough on their mind right now. My sister's out of the question because it'll be pretty much the same reaction as my boyfriend's. My life hurts right now, and I've just been pulling my pants up and swallowing the pain, but I honestly can't take any more of that.