Home Is Where Your Heart Is

I've been in Maryland for 2 and a half weeks, and at NDP for just one, so it's probably too soon to say I won't be happy here. Yet, I know in my heart that I won't be. Everyone here has been so nice, I think I have a few friends already, but that's not what I want. It's not that I just miss my friends a lot, I also miss Catholic and my teachers, and how comfortable I was in Kentucky. I can tell that I won't be happy here; I don't think that I can let myself be happy, not while I feel that I could go back. I've been trying to convince my parents to let me go back, and I thought it was working, but I doubt that it will. No matter what I say, they're against me leaving. I don't think that they understand how much it hurts to be away from home. It took me years to even consider calling Kentucky my home, but I know that that's what it is. I've left the greatest friends I've ever had (and I've had a lot, and lost a lot), and I don't want to lose them too, but I feel like it's inevitable. Catholic is my home right now; it has my friends, my family, and my theater; it's the one place where I'm truly comfortable and content; it's the place that I miss most. It's where my heart is, and it's where I want to be right now.

Bitch of Living

It's been a while, nearly a year now. So much has changed since then; some of them are good, yet a lot of them are bad. However, one thing has not yet changed, nor do I think that it will. What's funny is that I constantly forget about this one thought, this little nagging in my brain, but it resurfaces nearly every day. How can someone be so insecure that they believe that their own friends don't even like them? This mindset hurts like a bitch, because I don't feel like I have anyone to share what's killing me. My friends have their own problems, and I think that they're worse than mine, so I don't want to burden them with my problems. I need someone to talk to, though. I don't want the sickly sweet sympathy from my boyfriend because it makes me ill. I can't tell my parents because then they'd think it was their fault, and they have enough on their mind right now. My sister's out of the question because it'll be pretty much the same reaction as my boyfriend's. My life hurts right now, and I've just been pulling my pants up and swallowing the pain, but I honestly can't take any more of that.

I'm Happy

:)

"Words I Couldn't Say"

I feel like I'm writing this blog just for you now. I mean, I started it as a place for me to put my thoughts so I don't go more insane, but I've slowly been addressing it to you. Especially this one here, because there are some things that I can't bring myself to say directly to you. The reason Elliott told me I was emotionally torturing people was because we were talking about you, and about how I flirt with you yet say that I don't want to date. I just want to have the feeling that I did whenever we did date, but without a commitment. Which is hypocritical of me, because I sometimes get jealous when I see you joking around with other girls and hugging them. It's a main reason as to why I don't like the freshmen Jessa and Bridgette. Like seriously, I'm jealous of freshmen. And if it's torturous to me, I can't imagine how crappy I'm making you feel by pretty much taunting you. I'm truly sorry.

Emotionless?

It may seem like I don't care,
With my downcast face and emotionless stare.
But when those words from your mouths drip,
It feels like a shot straight from your lip.
How do I know if they were meant as a joke?
The bitter words settle into my system like smoke.
As a dark cloud choking me,
It brings secret tears that no one can see.

I have trained myself well,
To disguise when someone makes me feel like hell.
Working hard on being disconnected,
Does not always work the way I intended.
There is always something that happens to get through,
And it is frequently something that I already knew.

I may seem uncaring,
Maybe even unfeeling.
But I have emotions like everyone else,
Even if they're buried down in the depths of myself.

Learn to Speak

I am told by teachers every year that I need to learn to speak during class, to share my answers and questions. I agree with them, but not for school. My friends are the best things to happen to me in my life, and I would be no one without them. But they all have secrets, and I just so happen to know almost all of them. And none of them are good. When they tell me, I feel terrible knowing that they are being harmed, whether by themselves or others. But, I've never had any of those things happen to me, so I can't relate to them. It kills me inside to know that when they tell me, I have nothing to say that will make them feel better. That maybe the response I do give won't be the right thing to say, and it will make them feel worse. My friends have cut, been bulimic, anorexic, contemplated and/or attempted suicide, been abused, done drugs, and more things I probably don't know about. And I'm always afraid that something I say in regular conversation will be offensive to them, and I won't even know. To J.H.: You have no idea how much it means to me when you said that you don't trust a soul as much as you trust me. Because even though I was terrible enough to break-up with you over text, you forgave me and you still trust me. And I would never, and will never, judge you on anything you do, no matter how bad. Although I don't promise that I won't worry about you, because I still care about you. I'm glad we're still close, cause my life would seriously suck without you. So right now, I just need to learn to speak, to know what to say to make my friends realize how much they mean to me. I need to learn to speak, not just for me, but for them.

A Bit of Betrayal and a Dash of Despair

When two of your close friends argue, it's often difficult to decide how to help. Do you take the side that you believe is right, and risk destroying your friendship with the other? Or do you stay out of it completely, with the risk of either them both being upset that you won't help or them never resolving their problem? I choose neither of those most of the time. I mediate, which may sound easier than the previously mentioned options, but it's not. It's much harder. Especially when the topic of the argument is betrayal, because those fights never seem to completely go away. It's terrible to see friends fight, because you feel that no matter what happens, there is always going to be an emotional bruise and you never know what you say that might poke it.